Warning: I Have a Lot to Say

Ok, guys. I’m going to start splitting these blog posts into two sections: fun stuff and deep stuff. For those of you who are solely interested in the former, I now relieve you from the burden of reading emotional chatter. Those of you who are interested in both… now it’s organized. My spiritual journey is an integral part of this experience to me, and in fact, the most important part of it. So, if that sounds attractive to you, read on (Bonus: I’m going to start including song recs here and there).

Fun Stuff.

Two friends – Sophie and Avery – and I travelled via Bus Éireann to County Clare on a Friday night. The bus ride was half the fun. Seeing the Irish countryside during sunset and getting out of the city was joyful. I saw a lot of cows and even a couple baby sheep; I got excited every time, without fail. Side note: are cows my favorite animal? A quirky thing about Ireland is that the roads are extremely narrow. There were many times during our bus trips there and back that another large vehicle would be approaching from the opposite direction and we would have to slowly shimmy our way around each other. It was simultaneously stressful and amusing.

We had to walk from our hotel to the starting point of the cliffs in the absolute pitch dark on empty country roads, but it was so worth it when we emerged on Hag’s head and saw the Cliffs of Moher with the sun peeking around the corner, splashing color into the sky and reverence into my heart. The perk of starting where we did (instead of the visitor’s center) is that the path was totally desolate. We were able to have our own personal trek.

A few days later, I got to celebrate my 21^st birthday with mass, adoration, and a night on the town with friends. We went to The King’s Head and The Front Door, two pubs with live music and my new favorite drink: Desperados.

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The following day, I went to my first worship night hosted by the Catholic Society. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to get down on my knees in a holy hour with music and sing up to God (the playlist included: Holy Spirit, There’s No Fear in Love, Lord I Need You, Reckless Love, and Good To Me). It was so nice to meet young people at NUI who are real deal Catholic, even though our numbers are small. There were also some visiting missionaries from Franciscan University of Steubenville whom I exchanged information with.

A friend and I also began a Ruth Bible study that I brought along with me. We started it over some tea at a local, Christian owned coffee shop called “An Tobar Nua.” She is Dutch Reformed and I’m Catholic, so it’s fun to have fellowship together in a shop which is also a Protestant/Catholic fusion.

The next Saturday, Sophie, Avery and I booked a tour for only 30 euro that took us around an abandoned Franciscan Friary established in the 14^th century, the town of Cong, stopped along several mountainous views for gazing, and ended at the Kylemore Abbey. It was a super packed day and full of so many amazing sights – the best of which were the hundreds upon hundreds of sheep that littered the vast grasslands and winding roads.

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P.S. I heard this song in a pub and have been listening to it on repeat. Give it a listen: “Hey, That’s No Way to Say Goodbye” by Leonard Cohen.

Deep Stuff.

Remember when I said I’m going to be real on this blog? Strap in, folks. We’re diving in. Don’t be fooled by Instagram stories and Facebook posts: going abroad doesn’t wash your heart clean from all the pain it carries. But it’s ok, because I knew this going in. There are still nights when I’m stuck in my room and my head – I listen to Coldplay and Paper Kites and meditate on all that I miss. I experience these amazing things – like the beautiful cliffs – but when I settle back in, I think about who I know would’ve loved the views, or the amazing bookstore I wish I could fit into a package and send back home to the people who would eat it up. What can I say? I’m a hardcore Rhode Islander and nothing can top it or the people I love who are there.

In addition to “the fun stuff” (which is fun and valuable), I know that my time abroad was a carefully timed spiritual “40 days in the desert,” given to me by God (though, it’s actually 131 days). This is a time to grow consistent and passionate in my daily prayer life, to discover and claim the standards of Love set forth by the Holy Father and Mother, and to learn what the true essence of spiritual detachment is. The good news is that God has been providing through many means of communication: mass readings, homilies, various spiritual books I am reading, reflections and meditations in adoration, prayers (especially in the rosary), etc.

This is all very big picture, and it may seem without context. Here are some specifics things I’ve learned:

1). One of my biggest vices is impatience (but we already knew that). In my daily rosary rotation, I keep coming back to the Joyful mystery of finding Jesus in the temple. How inspiring is Mary’s reaction! “And his mother kept all these things in her heart.” That’s the kind of humility I want to attain – to be able to humble myself before God and others even when I am feeling “great anxiety.” In terms of vocation, I also look to Mary and Joseph as examples in this story. They could have easily spun out on one another, blaming and yelling and getting angry. But they didn’t do that. They both “looked for Jesus with great anxiety.” They felt that fear, as all parents would, but they looked for him together. What an amazing, virtuous marital love. I want to train myself to have that kind of respect and patience when things go wrong.

2). Detachment is something we know we’re supposed to have, but we’re not always sure how to get it. It’s one of my missions during my time in the desert (so to speak). I’ve wrestled with it, sometimes so frustratingly that I feel like Jacob wrestling with God. It seems like an impossible task. Then, towards the tail end of a peace and prayer filled holy hour, it hit me: becoming detached isn’t about transforming your emotions – it’s not about your feelings at all. It’s about action and choices – it’s a state of heart. We’re not called to detachment in any specific areas more than others. We are called to detachment of all things, because the essence of detachment is the total and complete willingness to sacrifice anything which keeps us from God, and to pursue anything which draws us closer to God – i.e., anything that propels us further in Divine Love. Detachment is a continuous series of decisions, training oneself to always pick God above all else and meditating on the possibility of losing anything at all in your life for love of Him – and gaining peace through that.

I gaze upon the Immaculate Heart and am inspired by the seven piercing swords. Suffering and sorrow are fruits – they don’t feel good, but they are just as compelling and conducive to growth as peace and joy. The key is this: feel sorrow, but never despair. Suffer, but maintain hope. Feel the pang, the ache, the longing – then look up at the face of Jesus, his head lowered, as he meets your eyes from the cross. And feel joy. Because pain, sacrifice, and dying to yourself are what pull you towards greater Love – pull you like a magnet.

There’s more I want to tell you. But it can wait until I get back.